I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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