I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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