Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
