I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
