So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
