I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
