my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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