I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
