If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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