he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
