I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize