you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
