what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
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