I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
