Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
