My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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