I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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