She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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