I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
