I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize