So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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