and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize