I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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