so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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