So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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