if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
