My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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