4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
