He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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