I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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