Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
