I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
