Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
