pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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