I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
