i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
