giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
