every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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