Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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