i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
