I have demons in me.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize