either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
