Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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