Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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