I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
