i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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