His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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