Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
