Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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