p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
