I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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