hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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