I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
