I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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