You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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