I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
