i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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