I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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