oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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