If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
