My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
