I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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