College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
