me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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