I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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