Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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