He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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